1. Avoid the places where the Douches roam.
It sounds rather self explanatory, doesn't it? However, one might be surprised at just where the douchebag will lurk. A surefire way to locate these places is to hit up anywhere in Late Night Shots top list of bars. Be sure to steer clear of Smith Point, Clarendon Ballroom, McFadden's, and pretty much anywhere in Georgetown. However, if you're reading these posts, we're willing to go out on a limb and assume you are at least quasi-educated and not a douche. Therefore, you can figure out which spots to avoid. Be careful though, there are some trickier places where the douches roam, such as Nationals Park when the Yankees are in Town.
2. Ladies, travel with an entourage.
That's right, the buddy system. Your mother always taught you to never, ever go places alone, so why meander about the mean streets of DC without someone you trust? If at all possible, bring male company, nothing scares off douche like an actual man who would/ could cause damage to the pretty boys, should someone scuff up someone's boat shoes. If this isn't possible, be sure to bring a trusted girlfriend, complete with hidden hand gestures for emergency situations. Each group of girls should work out a series of nonverbal cues to represent phrases such as "I don't want to talk to this guy any more", "Get me out of here", "Dear God, he can't dance and he keeps grabbing my ass", and "Why can't he just take a hint and get his bow tie out of here?". Any of these can be employed at any time, and you can (hopefully) escape the wrath of the bar douche.
3. Avoid direct eye contact.
This is challenging, as we know douches often wear Raybans/Oakleys/Eurotrash sunglasses inside the bar, but this is important. If you look them in the eye, they will buy you a pretentious drink, suck you into a pretentious conversation, roofie your drink, and before you know it, you will be forced to meet the rest of the lacrosse team for a night of debauchery about town. If you cut them off at the pass, there is no chance that these lot can break down your douchebag defenses. If you don't start strong and stay that way, you will be giving out phone numbers, email addresses, and receiving evites to fraternity orgies for the rest of your life. Just say no.
Now, there are certainly more ways to avoid douchebags when enjoying yourself at the bar, but these are the three most important, tried-and-true ways to avoid this group at all costs. If these tactics seem all together foreign to you, then we have a much, much larger problem. You could be a bar douche. If you are unsure, continue reading and you can check your actions to our list...
10 Douchiest Things to do at the Bar
10. Name drop.
This is DC, you know how this goes. As soon as the douche says "My name is Trevor/Travis/Trent/Christopher Weldon the IV/ some other douchy name", he generally drops in who he works for. Don't do this unless prompted to. Maybe don't do it then.
9. Check your blackberry all night.
We get it. You have lots of work to do for congressman/senator blah blah, but let's be honest, you're not getting emails from him at last call on a Friday. Put it down, walk away.
8. Assume that drinks are currency for sex acts.
If you buy someone a drink, this is no legally binding contract, don't treat it as such. When you buy rounds and rounds of car bombs for your "bros", do you expect them to put out? Didn't think so (not that it's easy to decipher though, considering the heinous amount of pink you guys wear). Either way, buying drinks doesn't translate into a night of hot, passionate, lovemaking.
7. Dance with us when we clearly aren't interested.
Sure, we all like to dance with an attractive stranger. Now, this does not necessarily include you. Take a hint, read some body language, and know when to back the hell off. Also, dancing doesn't include ass-grabbing, nipple-tweaking, man-sandwiching, or anything else that is so horrendous. If a girl runs away to her group of friends in at least one visible manner, she doesn't want to dance with you.
6. "Missed Connection" us on Craig's List.
If you wanted to talk to us at the bar, you should have. If you wanted our number at the end of said conversation, you should have asked. As far as that goes, if you can't man up and ask for our number, chances are we don't want a wimp like you to have it. Missed connections are douchy for the most part, responding to them is even more douchy, and anything involving some sort of long lost love that only involves one person is certainly douchy.
5. Play Journey on the jukebox.
I like Journey. You like Journey. Hell, we all like Journey. However, we do NOT like Journey every hour, on the hour, all weekend long. We also like when Steve Perry sings "Don't Stop Believin'", not you and your buddies, as a form of victory rally, post kickball championship. Journey is too good to be douchy, but every time it gets overplayed at the bar, the terrorists win.
4. Be rude to the bartender.
Although you have a fancy education, and a swanky plastic ID badge, neither of these things allow you to be rude to the bar staff. Yes, the bartender pours, mixes, and delivers drinks. No, they aren't there to clean up after you, to loan you smokes, or to come to your every beck and call. Don't get on your high horse about being at the bar, because remember: they probably make more than you, and at the end of the day, you are most likely doing some sort of manual labor as an intern/staff assistant.
3. Ask us if we have facebook/gchat.
Maybe we do. We don't want you to know about it. End of story.
2. Talk Politics.
Sure, you spend your weekends in the trenches phoning for Obama, or researching the details of tax code legislation, but does anybody want to talk about it at the bar? If we wanted to talk shop, we would stay at the shop. Lord knows DC is one of a few cities where drinking at work is encouraged. We can bring booze to work, don't bring work to the booze. This also increases the likelihood that you will start a fight, which could very well be a bullet point all of it's own...
1. Be a sloppy asshole.
You drank too much, you danced too hard, you puked on our shoes. Way to go. You probably started with power hour as soon as you got done gelling your hair, and things went downhill after that. Everyone knows that you think JMU is better than George Mason, now that you screamed it aloud across the bar. You started a fist fight with the cab driver over a two dollar tip. You are all around sloppy, and nobody likes that, not even your buddy that has to explain to the cops why you're puking in the gutter. Lock it up, chief.
Well, there you have it. Take our three tips to avoid douchebaggery, or check your own actions against our top ten most douchy. If you are guilty of one, it may well be an isolated incident, but if you hit two or more, bad news...
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