When Douche Visits DC

Though us "poor bitter hill staffers" would hate to take time away from the mockery which is clearly deserved by the "Tier 1, Porsche driving" gents who are clearly echelons above us, I thought it was long overdue that I spend some time discussing the Douche we all encounter every day, from every place, in every nook of our fair city... the tourist. Now, to discuss the douchiness of DC tourists is by no means a one post type of entry. In fact, there is no one type of touristy DC douche. All shapes, sizes, different colored fanny packs, they march, ahem, wander through our streets asking us for directions and generally irritating us.



All shapes sizes, and unfortunately, smells, the DC tourist never seems to leave. Christmas, the 4th of July, and the most dreaded of all, Cherry Blossom Week. The DC tourist flocks to town and brings the kids with them. Now, I can't say that all tourists are from obscure Midwestern cities, but let's just say they act like it. They dress like Nascar fans, they smell like a pack of schoolchildren that have been locked in a school bus, and they squeal
like boyband fans for no apparent reason. There are, however, a few lessons that tourists can learn to be less douchy, and to make the DC
regular tolerate them a little bit more. Hell, we figure that lists aren't douchy, so here's another.
Ways to be a Tourist Without Being a Douche...

Act like a human (with a brain) on the Metro.
We feel as if the douchy DC tourist isn't aware of this, but tourists, we have jobs. You see, you come from the farm to the big city and ride the fancy motor car, but to some of us, this is a commute. (That's a sophisticated-like word for "going to work"). Now, some douchy tourists know what a commute is, but they still don't appear to know how to behave on the metro. We work, we are going to work, and we don't want to see you when we are going to work. We realize we don't have a choice in this matter, but we reserve the right to complain. We also do not want to hear you talk on your cell phone, yell at your children (and vice-versa), or anything else causing our throbbing hangover to feel any worse. If we can hear you through our ipod, you're too damned loud. I don't come into your car in the morning and yell at you, do I? Show us the same courtesy.

Dress like an adult.
Case and point. If you wear this, you might as well wear a shirt that says "Please, rob me, I'm from out of town, and where I live, every stranger seems safe". Also, when we're robbing you because of your dumb t shirt, we can also tell what you've done that day, because you tour the entire city and leave your Capitol tour stickers on. You're really asking for it.


Oh, and I'm not really sure where in the United States/ the world people wear safari hats, sandals, socks, and fanny packs, but let's go ahead and throw it out there... none of that will be coming down the runway at Bryant Park. Hell, I'm not sure how you found that combo in Wal-Mart (yes, we've heard of them up here, no, we don't live in them like you folks do). Speaking of Wal-Mart, we all know you got this there...




Just plain wrong. Even if you're stuck on a street-corner, reading a map, you're much less likely to have the crap beaten from you if you're dressed like an adult, not a douche on some sort of suburban safari. So please, take off the tour stickers, leave the fanny pack at the Nascar track, don't wear a t shirt that screams "Fresh off the Farm", don't let the camera dangle around the neck, and act like a human on the metro. If you do these, you will still likely do something to frustrate us. We wish we could call you douchebags to your face, but we were on the Metro, and that place is bad enough. Please, don't douche out our city.



There will be more "Don't be a douchy tourist" tricks to come, so stay tuned... If anyone has advice or stories about tourists at their douchiest, please submit them to DC Douche Sightings and we could feature it here. Or at least you can bitch about it, which is all we really want any way.