This rating system appears to be a bit douchy in itself, as it counts in a rather backwards, confusing way. You would think it would go from lower to higher like the terror alert system, but no. It would make more sense that way, as if a collar, popped toward the sky, pointing upward to the douchiest of all offenses. Either way, this is a simplified douchebag rating system. Let's go ahead and DC-ify it. We'll rank the DC douche from level 5, "Blip on the Radar", all the way to 1, "Douche of the Highest order"....
5. Harmless today, gone tomorrow. Why, according to our poll, the least offensive of the DC douches is the Hill Staffer. Sure, he attempts to dress in high fashion like the professional men of much greater cities (no, Brooks Brothers doesn't make you a high-classed Manhattan man), and he may be too broke to buy a girl anything (ever). But at the end of the day, he isn't going to roofie your drink, move into your apartment after he got evicted, or embarrass you in front of all of your friends. There are plenty of habits the Hill Staffer Douche has (speaking in all legislative jargon, for one), but he is relatively harmless, and therefore the least of the DC douches. Also, he's likely to grow up, move back to the Midwest, find himself a wife, and you will never be able to tell he is a reformed douche. Good for him.
4. Harmless but annoying. This douche is annoying, to say the least. That is the jock douche. Not much attention has been paid to the jock douche, as he is a tricky character. Hill douche, Intern Douche, Georgetown Douche, and just about any other sort of douche can be a jock douche. These guys jog in public wearing very little clothing, oil themselves up by the pool for all to see, and make it a point to show off their bodies at any given opportunity. These douche jocks are also the ones that break clipboards and scream constant profanity during League softball games. There is a reason it's a beer league team, lay off the protein shakes and have a good time. Also, the jock douche may talk about sports at an alarming, irritating rate. This is the over-confident douche that reminds everyone of how he won the office's March Madness pool, all while challenging all around him to his own breed of sport: beer pong. Line up ladies, these guys are winners. Either way, they remain harmless because they are clearly far too into themselves and improving their pecs to truly be a threat.
3. Hell bent on being a douchebag. See, I knew that this chart was douchy. It misspelled "Influential". And what does "Minorly" even mean? Either way, the Georgetown douche is next. These guys know they drive cars that are nicer than the rest of ours, have trust funds to waste, and spend their summers driving from yacht to yacht on their customized golf carts. They dress the part, they drink at Smith Point, and the best part? They don't pay for a damned thing. Entitlement people, entitlement. Why earn their own money when they have dad's? And while we're buying a good time, why not go ahead and assume that since we don't need to pay, we don't need to behave, don't need to respect women, and certainly do need to dress like an over payed assclown. They run in a gaggle of fellow douches and this only intensifies the douchebaggery that they bring to the table.
2. Has a lot of potential to make societal change for the worse. This would be your classic Manther-douche. Only Urban Dictionary can do the Manther justice. DC is full of Manthers. They buy us drinks, they fill our elevators, hell, some of them are our bosses. They can be congressmen, senators, CEO's, or simply lobbyists looking to fulfill some sort of long lost Lewinsky fantasy. Either way, they're douchy, they're skeezy, and boy are they in DC in an extremely high proportion. They're also old balls. Sure they think they are in their prime, and that all the young girls in town want to talk to them and booze off of their dime, but they're wrong. At least their cougar-counterparts let the young men come to them. The Manther, however, is a hunter, seeing the young cub as huntee, and he hunts, and hunts, and hunts until the poor young DC lady finds herself envious of the Zebras on the Discovery Channel that she envisions herself being ripped from limb to limb (literally, not in some sexual Manther-prowess sort of way). As Urban Dictionary says "Some manthers are extremely good looking, stylish and somewhat gentlemanly. Others are old, drunk dirt balls with a lot of money and a feeling of self-entitlement." Unfortunately, the DC Douche Manther is generally the latter of the two.
1. Douchebag of the highest order. Let's go ahead and use this as the "All of the above" douche. He is the Hill-staffing, Georgetown-shopping, muscle-flexing, manther-in-the-making douche. He is the persistent guy at the bar who won't leave you alone, even after a guy you're with tells him "Seriously dude, she is NOT interested" (sad, but true). He thinks you want to talk about how he blasted his pecs at the gym, how he nailed some broad the other weekend, and how important he is a work. He revels in "intern season", thinks he is the Don of the Cap Lounge, and uses his blackberry to "Poke" you on facebook. Who pokes people on facebook? You're a grown man, honestly. Your golf-playing, trust-fund-having, collar-popping ways have you on a one way pay to being a Manther-in-the-making, and we couldn't be more scared at the fact that in a few short years your fraternity connections from years gone by will likely have you as our supervisors, our elected leaders, or worse yet, the only men left in our dating pool.
No comments:
Post a Comment