Douches on the Town

As this week has been particularly long and rainy, it is worth looking forward to the weekend. The rain may be pouring down outside, but the DoucheinDC team has had a particularly dry Wednesday, and we're ready for some Thirsty Thursday action. And what could ruin a perfectly enjoyable evening of imbibing more than an encounter with a DC Douche? So, as the weekend agonizingly drags itself closer to our tired brains and beer-hungry mouths, we offer these words of warning for a Douche free weekend.

1. Avoid the places where the Douches roam.
It sounds rather self explanatory, doesn't it? However, one might be surprised at just where the douchebag will lurk. A surefire way to locate these places is to hit up anywhere in Late Night Shots top list of bars. Be sure to steer clear of Smith Point, Clarendon Ballroom, McFadden's, and pretty much anywhere in Georgetown. However, if you're reading these posts, we're willing to go out on a limb and assume you are at least quasi-educated and not a douche. Therefore, you can figure out which spots to avoid. Be careful though, there are some trickier places where the douches roam, such as Nationals Park when the Yankees are in Town.

2. Ladies, travel with an entourage.
That's right, the buddy system. Your mother always taught you to never, ever go places alone, so why meander about the mean streets of DC without someone you trust? If at all possible, bring male company, nothing scares off douche like an actual man who would/ could cause damage to the pretty boys, should someone scuff up someone's boat shoes. If this isn't possible, be sure to bring a trusted girlfriend, complete with hidden hand gestures for emergency situations. Each group of girls should work out a series of nonverbal cues to represent phrases such as "I don't want to talk to this guy any more", "Get me out of here", "Dear God, he can't dance and he keeps grabbing my ass", and "Why can't he just take a hint and get his bow tie out of here?". Any of these can be employed at any time, and you can (hopefully) escape the wrath of the bar douche.

3. Avoid direct eye contact.
This is challenging, as we know douches often wear Raybans/Oakleys/Eurotrash sunglasses inside the bar, but this is important. If you look them in the eye, they will buy you a pretentious drink, suck you into a pretentious conversation, roofie your drink, and before you know it, you will be forced to meet the rest of the lacrosse team for a night of debauchery about town. If you cut them off at the pass, there is no chance that these lot can break down your douchebag defenses. If you don't start strong and stay that way, you will be giving out phone numbers, email addresses, and receiving evites to fraternity orgies for the rest of your life. Just say no.

Now, there are certainly more ways to avoid douchebags when enjoying yourself at the bar, but these are the three most important, tried-and-true ways to avoid this group at all costs. If these tactics seem all together foreign to you, then we have a much, much larger problem. You could be a bar douche. If you are unsure, continue reading and you can check your actions to our list...

10 Douchiest Things to do at the Bar

10. Name drop.
This is DC, you know how this goes. As soon as the douche says "My name is Trevor/Travis/Trent/Christopher Weldon the IV/ some other douchy name", he generally drops in who he works for. Don't do this unless prompted to. Maybe don't do it then.

9. Check your blackberry all night.
We get it. You have lots of work to do for congressman/senator blah blah, but let's be honest, you're not getting emails from him at last call on a Friday. Put it down, walk away.

8. Assume that drinks are currency for sex acts.
If you buy someone a drink, this is no legally binding contract, don't treat it as such. When you buy rounds and rounds of car bombs for your "bros", do you expect them to put out? Didn't think so (not that it's easy to decipher though, considering the heinous amount of pink you guys wear). Either way, buying drinks doesn't translate into a night of hot, passionate, lovemaking.

7. Dance with us when we clearly aren't interested.
Sure, we all like to dance with an attractive stranger. Now, this does not necessarily include you. Take a hint, read some body language, and know when to back the hell off. Also, dancing doesn't include ass-grabbing, nipple-tweaking, man-sandwiching, or anything else that is so horrendous. If a girl runs away to her group of friends in at least one visible manner, she doesn't want to dance with you.

6. "Missed Connection" us on Craig's List.
If you wanted to talk to us at the bar, you should have. If you wanted our number at the end of said conversation, you should have asked. As far as that goes, if you can't man up and ask for our number, chances are we don't want a wimp like you to have it. Missed connections are douchy for the most part, responding to them is even more douchy, and anything involving some sort of long lost love that only involves one person is certainly douchy.

5. Play Journey on the jukebox.
I like Journey. You like Journey. Hell, we all like Journey. However, we do NOT like Journey every hour, on the hour, all weekend long. We also like when Steve Perry sings "Don't Stop Believin'", not you and your buddies, as a form of victory rally, post kickball championship. Journey is too good to be douchy, but every time it gets overplayed at the bar, the terrorists win.

4. Be rude to the bartender.
Although you have a fancy education, and a swanky plastic ID badge, neither of these things allow you to be rude to the bar staff. Yes, the bartender pours, mixes, and delivers drinks. No, they aren't there to clean up after you, to loan you smokes, or to come to your every beck and call. Don't get on your high horse about being at the bar, because remember: they probably make more than you, and at the end of the day, you are most likely doing some sort of manual labor as an intern/staff assistant.

3. Ask us if we have facebook/gchat.
Maybe we do. We don't want you to know about it. End of story.

2. Talk Politics.
Sure, you spend your weekends in the trenches phoning for Obama, or researching the details of tax code legislation, but does anybody want to talk about it at the bar? If we wanted to talk shop, we would stay at the shop. Lord knows DC is one of a few cities where drinking at work is encouraged. We can bring booze to work, don't bring work to the booze. This also increases the likelihood that you will start a fight, which could very well be a bullet point all of it's own...

1. Be a sloppy asshole.
You drank too much, you danced too hard, you puked on our shoes. Way to go. You probably started with power hour as soon as you got done gelling your hair, and things went downhill after that. Everyone knows that you think JMU is better than George Mason, now that you screamed it aloud across the bar. You started a fist fight with the cab driver over a two dollar tip. You are all around sloppy, and nobody likes that, not even your buddy that has to explain to the cops why you're puking in the gutter. Lock it up, chief.

Well, there you have it. Take our three tips to avoid douchebaggery, or check your own actions against our top ten most douchy. If you are guilty of one, it may well be an isolated incident, but if you hit two or more, bad news...

How to Spot 'Em

Unfortunately for our generation, the term "Douche" has largely lost the intense sting it once possessed. Thrown around so frequently when referring to Frat Boys, homeschoolers, and Yankees Fans, when engaging in our anthropological search for Douches, there must be a common definition for spotting and observing such a class of douche. It is for this reason that we define a Douche, and explain exactly how to spot one.

As you can see, there are several interchangeable elements to the DC Douche. Beginning with the most basic is the general wardrobe choice. Popped collars are a must, though severely misunderstood. Appearing as a fashion statement, perhaps to the DC Douche, it serves a functional purpose. Perhaps popping the collar allows for the Lacoste gator/Polo horse/ Vineyard Vines whale to become more visible to the observer's eye. Maybe the collar poppage catches hair product falling from the over-styled coif of the Douche. It could, however, be something so simple as an acoustics choice, serving to increase the volume at which the DC Douche can hear observers complimenting his bright pink or sherbet orange top. For whichever reason the Douche pops the collar, trust us, it's popped to high-heaven.

Next, to match the pansy pink or fabulous fuchsia polo is the horrifically clashy Madras shorts. These are a pattern which apparently hails from a Cape in India. I wonder how many poor Indian creatures had to die to cover the upper thigh of the DC Faux Boat Enthusiast? Only God knows.

However, never to be outclassed by those from other major cities, sometimes the DC Douche must dress up in something a bit more formal. A wedding, perhaps? A classy cocktail hour? Maybe in other cities, but not in DC. The main reason for dressing up is that there is a day existing between Wednesday and Friday which is more spectacular than most; Seersucker Thursday. You may have seen those child beauty pageants on television when parents shamelessly parade their children on stage in horrific outfits... that's what this is like, except grown men wear these horrific outfits on their own free will, and the only people judging them are one another. Seersucker suits are like herpes, they break out more during spring, and boy, do we wish we could hide from them. Both are contagious, and scare the hell out of females.

Now, should a DC Douche need to hold his Madras shorts or Seersucker pants up, there is only one acceptable method of doing so. Notice the belt, adorned with embroidery of the nautical sort. If you prefer to keep your sailboats at your parents marina, you may also sport a belt featuring crabs, fishbones, palmettos, your political affiliation, footprints, or any of the above with the color pink, and you have yourself a one way ticket to DC Douchedom.

Just south of the belt is the quintessential foot gear of the DC Douche, the boat shoe. Nowhere near a boat, the DC Douche prefers to wear Sperry's or the equivalent as often as humanly possible. The point of the shoe is yet unknown, but it brings the douche to the table. Also necessary in high-speed boating adventures and with no place in the mean streets of DC are the trendy RayBan sunglasses with win proof hold-it-on-your-head straps. Are you riding a motorcycle? No. Then you won't lose your shades riding on the metro, so get a life.

Finally, the DC Douche knows how to accessorize in a manner that would put most Italian women to shame. From chest hair bursting forth beneath an obscenely unbuttoned shirt to a partisan piece of neck wear (elephants are all the rage), to the cheap scotch disguised as a classy cocktail, and even the swinging of the cigar, constantly smoking up the sidewalk the DC Douche happens to be blocking on Penn Avenue, you can dress him up, you can take him out, but you just can't out Douche him. This is particularly evident when he begins throwing around his business cards, which he always manages to do, whilst juggling scotch and cigar and shaking hands (networking) all at the same time. A magical creature indeed is this DC Douche.

There are, however, two accessories which are far more important than all others. First is Republican Hair. A creature in and of itself, the Republican hair can't quite be explained, but it can be adored. A bold part, lots of volume, and from time to time, more product than a Gotti boy, the Republican hair is a symbol of DC masculinity, of pride, of power. Republican hair takes a life of its own, and may be worn by a Democrat, but the best accessory for Republican hair is the elephant tie, a one-two-punch saying "Hey Ladies, if you play your cards right, we might just swap business cards, and you know what that leads to... late night booty calls from my blackberry".

Speaking of Blackberry, it is no secret that this is the most meaningful, valuable of all DC Douche elements. On his hip or in his hand at all times, the DC Douche must maintain constant contact with his crew of Douches, fencing team, illegitimate children, or gaggle of underage intern-admirers, the Douche is within Blackberry reach at all times. If the DC Douche manages to take a girl on a date (No, Ladies, we're not talking T Coast here, an actual date), guess who also comes on the date? Everyone in the DC Douche's social circle, emailing him through the duration.

With DC being the most educated city in the country, it is also hard to imagine that it also appears to be the most painfully single city in the country. With the abundance of DC Douche, it is no big surprise. Cut out a paper doll for yourself, interchange his accessories, and bring him out with you. Maybe bringing our interactive DC Douche along with you will help you avoid nabbing one of your own? One can only hope.