From our Friends at Esquire

Esquire is one of the least Douchy magazines a man can read. Fashion, funny (but true) tips about women, and even some functional bits. Either way, we love it. It also brings up a very good point about the word "Douche" which is something we here at Douche in DC take rather seriously.

Douchebag. This toxic mess of a man is said to be everywhere, all the time. Now, we're pretty sure that there are no more douchebags today than at any other time in our history. It only seems that way, thanks to a few virulent strains of modern life -- reality TV, political punditry, shameless Internet stars -- that insist America is awash with unsavory characters who beg comparison to vaginal irrigators. But most of these putative douchebags aren't really douchebags at all. They're assholes. Or they're idiots. Or they're just knobs. We're like the boy who keeps crying "douchebag," in love with the wet sound of a near-dirty word.

What keeps it sanitary, paradoxically, is its literalness. Unlike asshole or bullshit, douchebag refers to a device, an apparatus of common utility, and hasn't entirely shed its tie to meaning, so it's acceptable in a way that asshole or bullshit will never be. At the same time, it still has the naughty visuals, so self-styled edgy TV shows -- e.g., 30 Rock, The Office, The Daily Show -- employ it indiscriminately. As proven by tool in the late nineties, an epithet loses most of its value once it's appropriated by prime time.

Surely douchebag has value as a slur and deserves better than to die, slowly and painfully, at the hands of That's So Raven. We need to stop using it in order to save it. Because one day in the future, you'll come across a man -- a troublemaker without brains, a narcissist without charm, a breeder of ill will and contempt, the kind of man fond today of sniggering about douchebags -- and you'll want to call him what he is and have it mean something. In the meantime, try "wet fart."

So true, Esquire, so true. We realize that we use the word Douchebag a lot, but if you're defining something, you have to use it. However, as we referenced in our last post, if you find yourself growing tired of saying douche, you could always give the guy a card...



In the meantime, avoid those jerks, or avoid being one, and read Esquire's 10 things you don't know about women. Here's a sampler:

Ten Things You Don't Know About Women: Mindy Kaling

Buzz up!

The Office actress and writer on preferring sex tapes to porn and nine other things you don't know about women.

1. Unless we have silver hair or are a poet laureate, don't ever call us ma'am. Try girl. Justin Timberlake has made a career out of its generous use.

2. I look like a fool in a dress if you're in a T-shirt and jeans, but we look like a stylish couple if you add a blazer. Unrequired fanciness is the cutest thing ever.

3. Instead of calling your ex a bitch, say: "[Name] is being difficult and could act more reasonable." Then vent by flattening some boxes for recycling. This shows restraint and a love for the environment.

4. Girls like it when you nickname them something smaller than a bread box. Chickadee. Pat of Butter. Baby Mouse. This makes us feel tiny and adorable. Space Heater and Minivan do not.

5. Quit Facebook. If I'm standing next to you, and you're checking to see if you have any vampire bites from girls you went to camp with, something's wrong.

6. For setting the mood: two candles, max. More than that and you're the set decorator for Grey's Anatomy and the whole thing seems deliberate and icky.

7. Violent statements like "If that guy keeps looking at you, I'm going to tear his head off" are appealing. (As long as you're a quiet bookworm named Josh.)

8. If you defend a girl as "really smart when you get to know her," she is dumb. What you mean is, she's "really smart for a smokin'-hot girl who is stupid."

9. Your buddy doesn't mind receiving his new book in the Borders bag. We do. Wrap everything. Except engagement rings.

10. Women love sex tapes. Not porn -- sex tapes, because scandal is titillating. If you want to trick us into watching porn, tell us the girl in it is famous and we just haven't heard of her yet.

Mindy Kaling is a writer, producer, and cast member of The Office on NBC.