Intern Invasion

Ah, DC, summer is upon us. Sidewalks and swimming pools are filling with people, three day weekends abound, and sadly, the town is filled with Douches-in-training. Yes, the interns have arrived. This younger generation of asshats is now clogging the hill with more rainbows and polo shirts than you can shake a lacrosse stick at. Often times, these interns are found in and around the Hill, badges proudly showing, making the most of the internship that was no doubt purchased with their parents' campaign contributions. The trouble with interns, however, is that they migrate from all over the country and therefore lack the visible douchebag dress that is so common in the professional, older DC douche. Never fear ladies, the interns are a breed of their own, and they too can be spotted for their douchedom.

Stuffing envelopes, answering phones, and giving the illustrious Capitol tour, the intern is never free of the "important" duties that come with congressional internships. This is worth remembering, as the intern attitude is the douchiest of all. Bright red badge displayed at all times, this allows the rest of the city to see just how important this young douche is. Clearly, if we all had "jobs" that were this important, we too would want to wear them as a literal badge of honor. The badge isn't necessary though, because the air of cocky self-importance makes the douche stand out like a boner in sweatpants. After just recently turning 21, coming to DC from their university/frat house/ yacht club elsewhere, the intern douche crowds the Hill bars and hits on the unsuspecting female interns. (These too are a breed of their own, you would think that they would be wise to these tricks, seeing as gents like these crowd their sorority houses and get them drunk off of smirnoff ices the 10 months a year they aren't interning in DC). Instead, though, they buy them jagerbombs, talk about their internly duties, and make out in public. These female intern conquests are made worse by the unholy amount of retelling that goes on (think lots of "bro", "bra", and other such terminology).

Perhaps the most douchy of intern moves is the pretending to be a staffer, in order to improve their chances with the DC ladies. The intern that is wily enough would ditch the badge, remain coy about giving out their work email, and describe their job as "Performing many of the staff assistant duties". This is particularly frightening, as interns can be any age, and the older the intern may seem, the more likely he is to attempt this elaborate hoax. Someone recently reported a real-life douche spotting in which an intern pretended to be staff, and even went so far as to obtain a broken blackberry, pretend it was his own broken blackberry, and ask the girl for help fixing it. Talk about a douche move.

But alas, ladies and staffers, and DCers alike, this too shall pass, as intern season will end, the bars will clear out, and we will be stuck spotting the grown DC douche. Finally, a reason to look forward to winter.


Here they are, in their natural habitats...