Friday, May 30, 2008


Thursday, May 29, 2008

Happy Seersucker Thursday

Happy Seersucker Thursday... Also, who wears white shorts? Nice move, Don Johnson.

When Douche Goes Digital

Now that we have been made savvy in our methods of spotting the DC Douche in their natural habitat, we are ready to move on to the next step: finding them where you least expect them. There are few stones unturned when it comes to douchedom, as douchebaggery appears to have the depth and broad span of a revolutionary movement. If only we were able to say that there was a last frontier, but alas, it seems that even the internet has caught wind of the DC Douche. Without even glancing at his seersucker ensemble, or hearing the mindless chatter of how important he is and how when he isn't kicking ass and taking names at work, isn't plotting his move to K street, or "totally rocking out" at guitar hero, he may also have time to post online. Such is the birth of the digital douche.

Posting "awesome pictures" on Late Night Shots of he and his "bros" while they gallavant through Georgetown, making a Evite to the annual Fraternity reunion golf tournament, or "poking" unsuspecting girls on Facebook, the DC Douche knows his way around the internet. And never fear, as the DC Douche is attending the Boat Show/Clam Bake/Charity Booze-athon, he still has access to the internet, via one of his several Blackberries. Unfortunately for the world, that opens us up to something like this, brought to Douche in DC by the one and only Craig's List, missed connections:

Why isn't anybody "missed connectioning" me?? - m4w - 37 (DC)

Okay, I've just about had it. For the last year, every time I go out in public here in D.C. I do everything I can to try to get somebody to look for me on Craigslist via the "missed connections" section. First of all, I'm a very good looking guy. I'm 6'2, 180lbs, green eyes, dark hair, excellent skin-tone, very athletic, white male, not balding, excellent teeth, not weird. I'm generally considered very attractive and I've always had women in my life, never a dryspell. And not just any women. Actual, gorgeous women. However, I consider it a personal challenge to be MC'd on CL. I make eye contact with as many women as I can each day and they generally return the favor and smile. I try to wear interesting clothes so that I'm easy to describe in your post. I run several times a week at lunch and I always ensure that I strip my shirt off to display my physique, catch your attention, and again, make it easy to describe me. I ensure that I am properly oiled and that my muscles glimmer just so in the afternoon sunlight. Every time I return to my office, I check the MC section and sure enough, nothing. Just a bunch of women looking for some hipster doofus they saw playing kickball, reading some "I'm trying too hard to appear smart" book, or browsing through trinkets at a flea market. They are always wearing something that indicates a lack of maturity and/or financial resources as well. "Curly haired guy reading Tolstoy while sipping latte at Starbucks. He was wearing green cargo pants torn into shorts, a pink tee-shirt that said 'Free Tibet', and Croc's. He was sporting a stylish courier bag over his left shoulder and had oversized sunglasses." I'm sorry ladies, but in real-guy circles, this is how we describe a complete dork-ass. Real men are too busy being manly for this kind of crap.

I'm going to give this another week and then I'm out of here. So ladies, please, if you see me, hit me up on CL. That is all.

Boy, oh boy. We don't even know where to start on this DC Douche. If the end-all, be all of your existence is to be noticed by gawking, random pedestrians, it sounds like this Douche is off to quite the start. I must admit that should I see a man running through town, greased up and shirtless, making eye contact with as many women as possible, I might post online about him, because he clearly needs help. As if self-contained narcissism isn't enough, it is now on display in our fair city, running through parks, oggling women (not just any women, mind you, actually gorgeous women). Not only does this gent have time to jog, oil himself, guilt friendly smiles out of half the town, he also apparently has a job that allows him to check Missed Connections every time he is near a computer. Busy guy! How does he even have time to be dry-spell-free? He even says "Real men are too busy being manly for this kind of crap". If by being manly he means prowling the internet for his anonymous admirers, then he surely missed the day in school when the definition of the word "Manly" was discussed.

He does, however, manage to insult other, less douchy men in the meantime. Reading Tolstoy? How dare they read literature that's not posted on Craigslist? And how dare they wear clothing that doesn't involve shirts off and well-oiled torsos? The main question, however, is how is a catch like this still out to be nabbed? Watch out ladies, don't make eye contact with strangers, you may well nab your very own Douche.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

How to Spot 'Em


Unfortunately for our generation, the term "Douche" has largely lost the intense sting it once possessed. Thrown around so frequently when referring to Frat Boys, homeschoolers, and Yankees Fans, when engaging in our anthropological search for Douches, there must be a common definition for spotting and observing such a class of douche. It is for this reason that we define a Douche, and explain exactly how to spot one.




As you can see, there are several interchangeable elements to the DC Douche. Beginning with the most basic is the general wardrobe choice. Popped collars are a must, though severely misunderstood. Appearing as a fashion statement, perhaps to the DC Douche, it serves a functional purpose. Perhaps popping the collar allows for the Lacoste gator/Polo horse/ Vineyard Vines whale to become more visible to the observer's eye. Maybe the collar poppage catches hair product falling from the over-styled coif of the Douche. It could, however, be something so simple as an acoustics choice, serving to increase the volume at which the DC Douche can hear observers complimenting his bright pink or sherbet orange top. For whichever reason the Douche pops the collar, trust us, it's popped to high-heaven.


Next, to match the pansy pink or fabulous fuchsia polo is the horrifically clashy Madras shorts. These are a pattern which apparently hails from a Cape in India. I wonder how many poor Indian creatures had to die to cover the upper thigh of the DC Faux Boat Enthusiast? Only God knows.


However, never to be outclassed by those from other major cities, sometimes the DC Douche must dress up in something a bit more formal. A wedding, perhaps? A classy cocktail hour? Maybe in other cities, but not in DC. The main reason for dressing up is that there is a day existing between Wednesday and Friday which is more spectacular than most; Seersucker Thursday. You may have seen those child beauty pageants on television when parents shamelessly parade their children on stage in horrific outfits... that's what this is like, except grown men wear these horrific outfits on their own free will, and the only people judging them are one another. Seersucker suits are like herpes, they break out more during spring, and boy, do we wish we could hide from them. Both are contagious, and scare the hell out of females.


Now, should a DC Douche need to hold his Madras shorts or Seersucker pants up, there is only one acceptable method of doing so. Notice the belt, adorned with embroidery of the nautical sort. If you prefer to keep your sailboats at your parents marina, you may also sport a belt featuring crabs, fishbones, palmettos, your political affiliation, footprints, or any of the above with the color pink, and you have yourself a one way ticket to DC Douchedom.


Just south of the belt is the quintessential foot gear of the DC Douche, the boat shoe. Nowhere near a boat, the DC Douche prefers to wear Sperry's or the equivalent as often as humanly possible. The point of the shoe is yet unknown, but it brings the douche to the table. Also necessary in high-speed boating adventures and with no place in the mean streets of DC are the trendy RayBan sunglasses with win proof hold-it-on-your-head straps. Are you riding a motorcycle? No. Then you won't lose your shades riding on the metro, so get a life.


Finally, the DC Douche knows how to accessorize in a manner that would put most Italian women to shame. From chest hair bursting forth beneath an obscenely unbuttoned shirt to a partisan piece of neck wear (elephants are all the rage), to the cheap scotch disguised as a classy cocktail, and even the swinging of the cigar, constantly smoking up the sidewalk the DC Douche happens to be blocking on Penn Avenue, you can dress him up, you can take him out, but you just can't out Douche him. This is particularly evident when he begins throwing around his business cards, which he always manages to do, whilst juggling scotch and cigar and shaking hands (networking) all at the same time. A magical creature indeed is this DC Douche.


There are, however, two accessories which are far more important than all others. First is Republican Hair. A creature in and of itself, the Republican hair can't quite be explained, but it can be adored. A bold part, lots of volume, and from time to time, more product than a Gotti boy, the Republican hair is a symbol of DC masculinity, of pride, of power. Republican hair takes a life of its own, and may be worn by a Democrat, but the best accessory for Republican hair is the elephant tie, a one-two-punch saying "Hey Ladies, if you play your cards right, we might just swap business cards, and you know what that leads to... late night booty calls from my blackberry".


Speaking of Blackberry, it is no secret that this is the most meaningful, valuable of all DC Douche elements. On his hip or in his hand at all times, the DC Douche must maintain constant contact with his crew of Douches, fencing team, illegitimate children, or gaggle of underage intern-admirers, the Douche is within Blackberry reach at all times. If the DC Douche manages to take a girl on a date (No, Ladies, we're not talking T Coast here, an actual date), guess who also comes on the date? Everyone in the DC Douche's social circle, emailing him through the duration.


With DC being the most educated city in the country, it is also hard to imagine that it also appears to be the most painfully single city in the country. With the abundance of DC Douche, it is no big surprise. Cut out a paper doll for yourself, interchange his accessories, and bring him out with you. Maybe bringing our interactive DC Douche along with you will help you avoid nabbing one of your own? One can only hope.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Welcome

Welcome to the inaugural posting of "Douche in DC". It's no secret that the majority of DC residents have relocated from other various parts of the country, creating a cultural melting pot like no other. The significant difference between the melting pot that is DC and the cultural collisions of other cities is the abundance of homogeneity in the city. Unfortunately, it is by-and-large, a homogeneous pot of douche.



Concentrated primarily on the Hill, the "Douche in DC" is now out in full force as the weathers warm, the interns are in town, and the freshly pressed seersucker suits have a resurgence. To sit idly by and allow this sociological phenomena to go by unrecorded would surely be a disservice to future generations of DCers and potential douches alike. Therefore, it will be the mission of this blog to visually and editorally record the occurences of Douche in DC. Photos of douchy-appearing men (and when appropriate, women...) will be featured, with a "Douche of the Week". Also, visitors are encouraged to log their own run-ins with Douchebaggery in the "Douche Move" portion of the blog.

Whether you hate pants with embriodered crabs or actually contracting crabs, feel free to submit photos, stories, and otherwise regale the tales of Douche in DC.