When Douche Goes Digital

Now that we have been made savvy in our methods of spotting the DC Douche in their natural habitat, we are ready to move on to the next step: finding them where you least expect them. There are few stones unturned when it comes to douchedom, as douchebaggery appears to have the depth and broad span of a revolutionary movement. If only we were able to say that there was a last frontier, but alas, it seems that even the internet has caught wind of the DC Douche. Without even glancing at his seersucker ensemble, or hearing the mindless chatter of how important he is and how when he isn't kicking ass and taking names at work, isn't plotting his move to K street, or "totally rocking out" at guitar hero, he may also have time to post online. Such is the birth of the digital douche.

Posting "awesome pictures" on Late Night Shots of he and his "bros" while they gallavant through Georgetown, making a Evite to the annual Fraternity reunion golf tournament, or "poking" unsuspecting girls on Facebook, the DC Douche knows his way around the internet. And never fear, as the DC Douche is attending the Boat Show/Clam Bake/Charity Booze-athon, he still has access to the internet, via one of his several Blackberries. Unfortunately for the world, that opens us up to something like this, brought to Douche in DC by the one and only Craig's List, missed connections:

Why isn't anybody "missed connectioning" me?? - m4w - 37 (DC)

Okay, I've just about had it. For the last year, every time I go out in public here in D.C. I do everything I can to try to get somebody to look for me on Craigslist via the "missed connections" section. First of all, I'm a very good looking guy. I'm 6'2, 180lbs, green eyes, dark hair, excellent skin-tone, very athletic, white male, not balding, excellent teeth, not weird. I'm generally considered very attractive and I've always had women in my life, never a dryspell. And not just any women. Actual, gorgeous women. However, I consider it a personal challenge to be MC'd on CL. I make eye contact with as many women as I can each day and they generally return the favor and smile. I try to wear interesting clothes so that I'm easy to describe in your post. I run several times a week at lunch and I always ensure that I strip my shirt off to display my physique, catch your attention, and again, make it easy to describe me. I ensure that I am properly oiled and that my muscles glimmer just so in the afternoon sunlight. Every time I return to my office, I check the MC section and sure enough, nothing. Just a bunch of women looking for some hipster doofus they saw playing kickball, reading some "I'm trying too hard to appear smart" book, or browsing through trinkets at a flea market. They are always wearing something that indicates a lack of maturity and/or financial resources as well. "Curly haired guy reading Tolstoy while sipping latte at Starbucks. He was wearing green cargo pants torn into shorts, a pink tee-shirt that said 'Free Tibet', and Croc's. He was sporting a stylish courier bag over his left shoulder and had oversized sunglasses." I'm sorry ladies, but in real-guy circles, this is how we describe a complete dork-ass. Real men are too busy being manly for this kind of crap.

I'm going to give this another week and then I'm out of here. So ladies, please, if you see me, hit me up on CL. That is all.

Boy, oh boy. We don't even know where to start on this DC Douche. If the end-all, be all of your existence is to be noticed by gawking, random pedestrians, it sounds like this Douche is off to quite the start. I must admit that should I see a man running through town, greased up and shirtless, making eye contact with as many women as possible, I might post online about him, because he clearly needs help. As if self-contained narcissism isn't enough, it is now on display in our fair city, running through parks, oggling women (not just any women, mind you, actually gorgeous women). Not only does this gent have time to jog, oil himself, guilt friendly smiles out of half the town, he also apparently has a job that allows him to check Missed Connections every time he is near a computer. Busy guy! How does he even have time to be dry-spell-free? He even says "Real men are too busy being manly for this kind of crap". If by being manly he means prowling the internet for his anonymous admirers, then he surely missed the day in school when the definition of the word "Manly" was discussed.

He does, however, manage to insult other, less douchy men in the meantime. Reading Tolstoy? How dare they read literature that's not posted on Craigslist? And how dare they wear clothing that doesn't involve shirts off and well-oiled torsos? The main question, however, is how is a catch like this still out to be nabbed? Watch out ladies, don't make eye contact with strangers, you may well nab your very own Douche.