Live Blogging- Obamadomination

So, we at Douche in DC decided to do a bit of blogging tonight, considering there is nothing on tv. Not even baseball. Baseball is ALWAYS on, whether you like it or not. Not to be completely partisan, but MAN, this is an unprecedented way of douching up a Hump Day. Some of us want to escape this election, how about that? We'll vote for the first person to leave us the hell alone!

Oh well, when life hands you lemons, make lemonade, so regardless of how we feel about candidates, they are both worthy of mockery. If you suck up all the tv time, you're just asking for it. So here we go, first ever liveblog, for as long as we can stand to sip on the Kool-Aid.


- First impressions count, Barack, and my first impression is that I don't feel too bad for the soccer mom pumping gas into her SUV. That car is HUGE. I picture her saying "But Barack, how do I get my kids to the Baby Gap? Save us!"

- You also can't open with "Everything we have done for as long as we remember has sucked some major ass..." and then follow up with one of your good ideas and say "Just like after 9/11!" That's right, that sunny side of our nation's history.


- "Barack Obama has Kansas roots".... no, Governor Sebelius, knowing you doesn't count.

- WOAH, just had a heart attack. He said "We'll go through the national budget, line-by-line" and I gasped thinking "TONIGHT?!" Woah, nope. Just a half an hour, right? Phew. Almost half way. We want more montages of children with flags & waving wheat.

- Tim Kaine, are you checking us out?

- PS, is this a "Bum you out" contest? Everyone is retired/ ripped off/ widowed/ HAS TO WORK AT WAL-MART!? We're so sad we almost want Tim Kaine to check us out.

- waait, this sit down and talk about school part is a re-run. boo. Totally used in an ad "Buster".

- Plus side... Joe Biden's plugs are lookin' good today.

- Biden has never forgotten where he came from... a swing state!!!!! Wink wink, nudge nudge, Jim Halpert and everyone else who votes in Scranton.

- That guy should get takes breaks. When he was a baby, he got tied to a ford. Also, is that Ford employees phone banking for freedom?

- "We've seen harder times before". My, Mr. President, that's what she said!

- Why does he want to rebuild the military? Isn't it on steroids already? Isn't that the one thing we have going?

- "Dear old lady in Iowa, sorry about your son being in the Army. Let's hug it out bitch".

- Still just a half hour, right? Just had to check.

- Barack has the voice thing going for him. Although, it's not hard to beat McCain. He sounds like the Gopher from Winnie the Pooh.

- Maybe one day I will get famous through destitution. Note to self, add to list of accomplishments. Be a "Woman in DC who can't even afford to fill her SUV and drive to the baby gap"

- cue music.

- Damn it. We definitely didn't think ahead on this one. Should have played a drinking game... FAIL.

Well that definitely wasn't as painful as we anticipated. Oh well, 6 more days kids, 6 more days.

Drag Race

So tonight Douche in DC made our way to the annual Dupont Drag Race. For those of you that are unaware, DC's drag queens dress to the nines and trollop down 17th street in the highest heels you've ever seen. The streets were crowded, they were cold, and the beers were few and far between. Though these things appear to lead to a bad time, good attitudes were had by (almost) all, and fun was had. Mayor Fenty even showed up with his entourage, also dressed to the nines in dark green "Fenty" hats.




However, we have a bit of a bone to pick with certain douches in DC... The bike-riding ones.

Now, we love bikes. Short bikes, tall bikes, tandem bikes, what's not to love? They're green, you won't have to sell an ovary for gas money, and you can avoid the soul-sucking wait for the red line when trains share tracks because everything imaginable has gone wrong. The problem isn't with bikes, it's when you decide to ride them.

You know what? We love bikes so much we attended a leg of the Tour de France last year. Know what we didn't love about it? The superfluous bikes. We get it, we ALL like bikes, but we don't need to bring them to the Tour de France, unless we're Lance Armstrong. At the Tour de France, in the middle of a bustling city, with tons of spectators from all over the world, douchy locals felt it necessary to bring their bikes to the city. Some even dressed AS bikers. We all know what that means... spandex. Gross. Do you bring your favorite electric guitar to a Rolling Stones show? Of course not, so don't bring your damned bike to the Tour de France. Anyway, we digress. Even at a bike-based event, don't bring your stupid bike.


Much like the Tour de France, the Dupont Drag Race was filled with people of questionable (or at the least curious) sexual preferences, and also the overbearing truth that YOU SHOULDN'T BRING A BIKE. Why? We stood in crowds of people, wondering if the European convention that encourages publicly consuming alcohol applied here, being squished so closely to strangers that we wondered if we accidentally had what Craig's list refers to as a "Casual Encounter", and what do we find in our way? A bike. Some clown brings a bike, stands it by him, and it cock-blocks everyone's good time. Fortunately, we get distracted by a few pushy drunk girls and once the bike & sass are overlooked, and we watch the many Sarah Palins/ Texas Polygamists scuttle down the street.

Finally, we re-group, sober up, and head for some available transportation, and as we gather by a large tree, what could be in our way? A bike. Laying on the ground, right where we want to walk, an effing bike. So we waited for a time to squeeze a shot through the dense crowd, and took a photo of the douchebaggery, giving it a piece of our minds in the mean time.




In summation, I think we can all agree, leave the bikes at home, and you will be one less Douche in DC.

Happy drag race to all...

If You Dress a Dog Like This...

Need we say it?

Halloween Early

Caught wearing this? Congratulations, you're a douche.

Media Whores

Although we at Douche in DC generally like to avoid over-politicizing things, this week it was just too much. With the rampant amount of insane people grabbing for media attention, we have to talk about how douchy it is to be pretend to get carved in the face girl.

There are several things wrong with this entire scenario. First of all, get your story straight. Seems easy enough. I mean how many bank heist movies have you seen? You always have to pick a story and stick with it. Also, if you're going to carve your effing face and pretend you were attacked, let's go ahead and take the mirror into account and NOT CARVE IT BACKWARDS. Face carving 101. Finally, and perhaps the most douchy of all the continuously emerging details... the girl TWITTERED as it happened. TWITTERED, PEOPLE.

Admittedly, we don't particularly know what a Twitter is, nor do we care to learn, but we do gather that it's a douchy way of telling people what you're doing at all times, whether they care to know or not. Sadly, the rush of attention paid to twitterers (twitterees?) was not enough for ol' Ashley Todd.

Onto other things consuming the media in DC this week. Think that your boss is a douchebag?
Think again!

Oooh Tim Mahoney, will you never learn? Having an affair and paying to keep it on the hush may be old news, but being a big dick about it won't earn you any favors from the soon-to-be-former-mistresses. Among other things, Mahoney was accused of...

"a) Calling Allen late in the evenings and demanding "phone sex;"

b) Demanding that Allen answer his calls or face termination;

c) Demanding that Allen attend fundraisers and "tease c-ck" to bring in more donations from the male members of the public;

d) Demanding that Allen engage in sexual conduct with another woman for his enjoyment."

Maybe our bosses likes things a certain way, but at the end of the day, none of us has had to act as a cock-tease for donations. As if political money wasn't dirty enough.

However, we're sure ol' Tim Mahoney has one thing in common with a certain special lady across the aisle...

We're willing to bet that Tom Mahoney and Michele Bachmann are both grateful that someone (aka Ashley Todd) came out and stole the media spotlight from them.

We're also willing to bet that there will be more October surprises filled to the brim with douchebaggery. So until next time...

Run- In with Team "The Todd"

Here at DiDC we love nothing more than hearing the awfully horrific tales of your own encounters with douchebaggery all around the Dc metro area. We had the following story submitted to us via dcdouchesightings@gmail.com ... (and we inserted the snark where necessary as usual).

My friends and I were out in Old Town for what we hoped was a quiet night of a few rounds with friends. Of course, some douches had to ruin all that. First, we went to Murphy's and there was a group of guys who were out for some sort of bachelor party. They all had shirts on that said "The Todd", with a clever Dumb & Dumber reference below it. Fine fine, you are grown men that dress alike, have vomit all over yourselves and will probably make out with each other if you get any closer while singing 'Piano Man'. However, of all the people they probably ran the evening's t-shirts by, what are the odds that NONE of them happened to be in school on your/you're/ you are day?!?! Well, pretty effing good. These clever guys (Team Todd), wore shirts that said "So Your Saying There's A Chance".


Oddly enough, this was not the most offensive shirt we saw in Old Town that night. Nor was it the dumbest move made. No, this was accomplished down the street, at the Rock It bar. Being first-timers to the Rock It, it wasn't exactly what we expected, but boy did it get worse. Within 5 minutes of arriving, another 'gent' arrives wearing possibly the dumbest wardrobe decision of the night.... A Tony Romo jersey.


Worst decision possible. At least when Jessica wore it, the Cowboys only lost, this guy got his face broken in. A friend of ours even commented on how dumb it was, and not five minutes later, blam, fight breaks out. It was ugly, too. For future reference, wearing a cowboys jersey in the District is about as dumb as wearing assless chaps to a Klan meeting. Don't do it, don't let your friends to it. Broken face, good times.

So We Took A Hiatus

Sue us. Not really, that would be douchy. Almost as douchy as taking a hiatus? Sure.

There has been much a-brewing in the capital city while we were gone. We'll give a brief wrap up of what's been happening (all happening without our snark no less, and for this we apologize).

During August, we went on vacation, you went on vacation, everyone went on vacation. Unfortunately for us, most clowns vacation in DC.


Douchiness of high tourist season personified in one photo of the worst the world has to offer? You're welcome.

Oh, also in August, the glory of recess was quickly punched in the gut by what DC does best: politicking. Conventions began, and with them, the blaze of glory that would lead us into the final stretch of this painstaking, neverending election... running mate announcements.

Remember it, in the glory days, the beginning of it all? Back before we heard of Joe Sixpack's hunting trip to AlaskaRussia and before Joe Biden said "When the stock market crashed, Franklin Roosevelt got on the television..." No, no, back then it was all upper-middle-class white folks dancing on Fox news.




















So now we're stuck with ol' Hair plugs and the girl from Saturday Night Live, both trying to run the country.

Blah blah blah a lot of other things happen but we were mainly drunk and trying not to get hit on out in Georgetown so we forgot about everything until the douche move of the decade occurred... Total global financial meltdown.


Even Warren Buffet





















And Boone Pickens...


















..... weren't able to save us.


Oh well, at least we all know that even though our money is worth nothing, there are still some stellar jobs out there.


So for now, we're here to bring snarky back. We do owe a big thank you to our friends at Famousdc, for giving us the kick in the ass we needed to get things going again. Because they reminded us that though we may be gallavanting around all of August recess/ post adjournment, we may finally get some sleep, but the douche does not.